Roliga historier

Här kan du roa dig med att läsa roliga historier. Vi har allt från nyare varianter till klassiska bellman-historier i denna eminenta samling. Det finns totalt 488 roliga historier fördelade på 13 kategorier.

  
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A wife is helping out her computer illiterate husband, and they come
to a point were he has to come up with a password so he tries to get
her attention buy obviously typing in penis. the wife falls over
laughing when the computer starts flashing:
"PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH"
 
* * * *
 
Laundry and the Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
 
* * * *
 
WANTED!
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
 
* * * *
 
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am just looking for a girl with very big tits.
 
* * * *
 
Roled!
Newborn versus 65 Year Old With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
 
* * * *
 
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say,
'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
 
* * * *
 
Real Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for
silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall
hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney
must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
 
* * * *
 
After the student delivered the pizza to old Ken's house, Ken asked:
'What is the usual tip?'
'Well,' replied the youth, 'this is my first trip here, but the other blokes say if I get 5c out of you, I'll be doing great.' 'Is that so?' snorted Ken. 'Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five bucks.'
'Thanks,' replied the youth, 'I'll put this towards my studies.'
'What are you studying?' asked Ken.
The lad smiles and said: 'Applied Psychology'
 
* * * *
 
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut
up...you're next!"
 
* * * *
 
"Some people come here to sit and think.
Some people come here to shit and stink.
Some people come here to play with there balls.
I just came here to write on the walls."
 
* * * *
 
QUESTIONS I HAVE

1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
7. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it
considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
15. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
 
* * * *
 
How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, eat an pass out
 
* * * *
 
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling
a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and, smiling, he says to her,
"Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a
sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it.
Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"
 
* * * *
 
An Amish father and son are in a shopping mall, staring at the first elevator they've ever seen. They watch with fascination as an old lady with a cane limps inside and presses a button. The doors close, and the Amish stare as a row of numbers light up one by one above the doors.. up.. then down. When the doors open again, a beautiful 24-year-old woman steps out. The father turns to his son and says,
"Boy, go get you mother."
 
* * * *
 
No Silverware

Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table
when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was
on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother
noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr.
Smith’s place."
"I thought he wouldn’t need them," explained Susan.
"Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
 
* * * *
 
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself first, just to have some fun. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and... voila, everything else was automatic! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze,shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier`s Customer Service Hotline. The farmer:
-Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow`s udder? Customer Service:
-Don`t worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.
 
* * * *
 
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